There is freedom in forgiving

http://theresurgence.com/files/2011/04/10/Keller-Forgiveness_and_Reconciliation.pdf
 

The experience of the gospel gives us the two prerequisites for a life of forgiveness: emotional humility and emotional wealth.

 

You can remain bitter toward someone only if you feel superior, if you are sure that you "would never do anything like that!" To remain unforgiving means you are unaware of your own sinfulness and need for forgiveness. When Paul says he is the worst among sinners (1 Tim. 1:15), he is not exaggerating. He is saying that he is as capable of sin as the worst criminals are. The gospel has equipped him with emotional humility.

At the same time, you can’t be gracious to someone if you are too needy and insecure. If you know God’s love and forgiveness, then there is a limit to how deeply another person can hurt you. He or she can’t touch your real identity, wealth, and significance. The more you rejoice in your own forgiveness, the quicker you will be to forgive others. You are rooted in emotional wealth.

Christian Marriage

This is reprinted (Ce4Less.com Marriage and Family Counseling - A Christian Perspective Stan E. DeKoven Ph.D.)  as one of my clients recently said "I never knew all this stuff" and she went on a search of biblical truths which led to a stopping of divorce proceedings...

The Biblical understanding of marriage is related to the nature and purpose of God. Biblical views of man, marriage, sex, and family refuse to explain life in terms of man’s self-chosen aims. The Bible insists that attempts to understand life apart from the divine purpose are ultimately foolish. The Creator’s design establishes the dignity of the divine gift of marriage.
Marriage is for Fellowship  Men and women were created for fellowship with God and for His glory. Their dignity rests in their relational capacity. Men and women were designed for fellowship with each other and for fellowship in the greater human community (Genesis 2; Exodus 20:2-17; Isaiah 11:6; 54:1-3; Matthew 19:4-11; John 15:1-17; 17:6-26; Ephesians 1:9-10, 2:13-21). Marriage and human sexuality cannot be understood simply as the result of physical drives, rational formulations, social imposition, or religious moralism. While marital union is not in the realm of things commanded by God, as are fellowship with God and his people, it is a divine gift not to be profaned. The intimacy of marriage gives expression to the human desire for relatedness. The relationship of husband and wife is often compared to the reciprocal relationship of God and his people and is described in the language of the covenant. The covenant between God and his people is sacred and is not to be violated. It has great power and purpose in it. (Isaiah 61:10; Hosea; John 3:29; Ephesians 2:19-22). Marriage is a covenant bond designed by the Creator. It is redeemed in Jesus Christ, and is best realized amidst the Covenant people of God.

 
Marriage is for Human Fulfillment  
Marriage is designed to bring persons into their God-intended human fullness. Humanity in its wholeness involves both male and female. The interdependence so essential to human completeness can be expressed in marital union and also in the larger community. In marital union, husband and wife become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).3
This unity involves far more than a sexual encounter. It is the joining of lives at many levels. With it come mutual love and knowledge. Marriage provides opportunity for mature love so vital to the wholeness of persons (Genesis 24:67; Proverbs 5:15-19; Song of Solomon 1; 2:16, 8:7; Ephesians 5:21-33). Marriage is a covenant commitment which protects the mutuality of sex and the meaning of personhood. It acknowledges responsibility for the continued well-being of another person. God is concerned about marriage because he is concerned for people. (Malachi 2:13-16).

Paul’s instructions regarding marriage and family as a picture of the church. Marriage partners should show mutual respect, for each other which effectively meets the needs of women for love and men for respect. These are essential elements of an effective and happy marriage.

This last part is summarized in Ephesians 5:33,
"Nevertheless, let each individual among you (men) also love (agape) his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband."   This theme, love and respect, is also seen in Paul’s other writings (Colossians 3; 1 Corinthians 7) or at least assumed. It is also the focus of a fairly recent book by Emerson Eggerichs titled "Love and Respect". In his work he cites a 20 year study of 2000 couples that gives evidence that love and respect are foundational ingredients to a happy and successful marriage.7

7 Study by John Gottman from "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail."

Wives need to know they are loved, really loved by their husbands. When they feel unloved, they internalize it as hurt, often reacting in criticism towards their husband. The average husband will most often respond to criticism with withdrawal, experiencing the criticism as a lack of respect. This cycle, often seen in dysfunctional and "normal" marriages, demonstrates the continual effect of the Fall and sin in the lives of even God’s people. When husbands learn to love, demonstrated in a way that is sensible and understood by the wife, and when the wives respect, not worship, but affirm and bless their husbands, it shows that God’s Kingdom rule has come to the marriage. Since the marriage is foundational to the family, the children of that union will have greater opportunity to grow as God intended, when love and respect in harmonious balance are seen in the marriage

Starved for LOVE

http://www.intouch.org/search/?search=starved%20for%20love   


at intouch.org is good cd or dvd to order for Christians or those interested in Christian Love principles...it is called starved for love

Responding or Reacting ?

A reaction is unconscious behavior when we believe things are happening in the world to make us act this or that way. Our energy is directed outwards  in an attempt to defend ourselves or to attack another (also trying to defend ourselves).  A reaction is a drama that is played out in an effort to sedate or control  our experiences.  The theme of all reactive behavior is blame or revenge,

A response is a conscious choice to contain our energy with the intention of using it to integrate and liberate our unconscious projections.  The theme of all responsive behavior is responsibility (response-ability).

Sometimes it helps to sit back and see what upsets us (ie "sets us up" as a trigger) and pretend that we are watching players in a movie.  When we watch a movie, we don't get up and confront the actors because they are triggering something in us.  We really do not have to have such a knee jerk reaction!

Perhaps we should greet the triggering response and the person that triggers us as a messenger of what we have been trying to hide from ourselves--usually something from the past.  This way we gain more clarity and poise and can be thankful!!

We can often reduce the flight or fight behavior that occurs physiologically.

• There is benefit in understanding and identifying both these types of behavior in ourselves for personal growth. This knowledge shows you that you have options and more control over circumstances than you realize. The effect of going through life in a reactive mode ultimately becomes draining, difficult and can even bring about isolation. Constant reacting to life puts you in the ‘victim’ role, a role that makes life a struggle. Making an effort to respond  helps you establish control. Responding takes a conscious effort and builds mind control. Responding looks at others actions and consequences and provides a more holistic approach to behavior. Responding, not reacting will get you closer to what you want.

We look for answers that we can touch such as a message that will tell us how to change a person , usually a spouse!  

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  Ezekiel 36:26

Sometimes we pray for years for people with hearts on the hard side. My sister prayed for me for years and it payed off after many years when she was with me when I gave my life to Christ.  I wonder if she prayed for brokenness as I was suicidal after a car accident/head injury and a horrible relationship. We pray for people who still love their sin, for those who have turned from their faith in God and pray that God will give them a new heart and a new spirit and that their heart will be softened so as to let GOD mold it.

All is possible with GOD.  For marriages "Please, Dear Lord,let my relationship with you lead me to start a new relationship with my spouse.  Guide us in making our hearts pliable to your ways"

Psalm 139:23-24

New International Version (NIV)  Bible Gateway

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:

19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Amplified Bible (AMP)

⁴ Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful orvainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

⁵ It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful orresentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

⁷ Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Let's talk

Lots and lots of times a couple will come in the office thinking that their partner has problems that need to be changed if the relationship is to improve.  Not infrequently the wife will say that she wishes her husband would talk with her more.  Emerson Eggerichs talks about this in his book  Love and Respect.  I like to laugh when I see patterns common to my marriage and to may others!  "Let's talk" have different meanings for men and women.  Often for women it means "let's get closer" while for men (my husband included) it means "uh oh here it comes".  When women try to get on the emotional track, men sometimes feel inept and, in response, defensive.  One of the most important things for a woman to understand is that his reluctance to talk doesn't mean that he doesn't care, is self-absorbed, etc.  Some have had success in scheduling short time limited talks.  I've had success in piling on the positive reinforcement when my husband stretches to try to talk!!!  I have noticed that backing off a bit and developing a different repertoire in my attempts at closeness has a big payoff.  I have learned lots of ways to soothe myself and let him be a man and figure things out on his own.

men may think..

Today I had a male client ask me "How could she have been begging me for attention and talking for eighteen years and I didn't hear her until it was too late...the silence in our house was deafening...now she is talking to someone else..."

  it made me think of what I was reading the other day---

" 'Good grief!  I had no idea what I was getting into when I married this sensitive creature' ...  (the husband) can close himself off and refuse to be open, or he can move toward her and connect with her at new levels of openness. " p 145

good advice for men in Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Manipulate Your Partner

When you communicate, try to manipulate your partner into a position that is constructive toward building the relationship and letting their anxiety lessen so they feel heard...  Before you put forth your position you may want to ensure that they feel that you understand their fears and resistances so that they are motivated toward good dialog and improving the relationship.  Perhaps you will even say something to the effect of "I am ready to make some positive changes even though we have both been very, very frustrated lately".  Maybe you will even venture out to say that you are working on some destructive things you have brought into the relationship.  Go slowly, appreciate that people have resistances and fear and focus on the SPIRIT of wanting to recapture the positive feelings that you once had.  That said, when each knows that each values the other and wants to reduce fears and increase safety...it sets the scene for more positive dialogue.  And remember, if the pulse rates rises...take a few...breathe...and return to the topic later!

Where do i start?

Notes on relationships with some paraphrased and prudent, pithy advice from some helpful people....

Dr. Phil—aim to meet the needs of the two people involved/ you can help heal your partner's fear and anger by stating your needs firmly and hearing what their needs are. You must do it differently from how you have been doing it and realize that relationships can change even with only one partner having the motivations.

John 14:12--- “and whatsoever you ask in my name, that I will do...” (not self centered requests but asking in HIS name) reading on to 14:16-17

Martha Peace---God has planned a ministry for each spouse which is to make the other their ministry.

Tara Bennett-Goleman and Harville Hendricks----our left over baggage from early relationships can make relationships emotional battlegrounds but can also help us do the work that will free us.

We tend to draw people to us that repeat these early woundings or “schemas”.

Partners can work together to dismantle these triggers and use empathy to foster compassion for the other. MIRRORING is a term to look up and use.

 

Now get to work and look up the verse and the term...do it yourself whether your spouse does it or not!

a gem from Dr. Phil

in the latest Oprah mag he says "Our feelings are not always based in reality-instead, we tend to react to our perception of a situation"

Differentiation

David Schnarch says in his book Passionate Marriage that couples have to balance two basic life forces:  the drive for having a unique identity and the drive for togetherness.  He says that relationships are enhanced by differentiatin, which he describes as "your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others-especially as they become increasingly important to you."  He goes to the explain that poorly differentiated people may construct their identities out of a "reflected" sense of self where they need continued validation or attention (even conflict/disagreement) from the partner.  When this happens love can be confused with emotional fusion.  The aim is for "mutuality" which is being able to go forward in your own self development in the relationship while also being concerned with your partner's happiness and well-being.

Mindfulness and couples-the benefits

Did you know that if one person in the relationship is mindful, both members of the couple can benefit.

Some studies have shown that couples who discuss a contentious issue in the relationship while being observed in a lab and who scored higher on a mindfulness scale were less anxious and hostile after having conflicts with their significant others.  Even Dr. Gottman has studied couples and advocates for them discussing their issues when the pulse rate drops. 

Meditation practitioners have long known that mindfulness practice tends to inoculate people against feeling negative thoughts in the first place. Thus, people tend to deal with conflict with less anxiety and hostility, and mindfulness seems to prevent those symptoms from arising.

Couples who practice mindfulness together can benefit not only individually but also from the fact that they are sharing a new experience. Just observing at times can reduce the likelihood of reacting.  Also, practicing when things are not heated seems to help when the hot buttons arise.

Even if only one partner is trying, the couple still benefits.  If one partner is accepting and open, it’s very hard for the other partner to push against that.”  I always advise couples that "if one person changes the dance steps, the dance has to change."

To an observer it might look as if the more mindful spouse is likely to "lose" an argument, but there is a difference between accepting what you feel and think and allowing someone else to  have their say v their "way".

john's famous quotes

when it's your turn it's your turn, when it aint it aint.....not my turn, not my problem... this is his philosophy on exes

Be clear with your partner

I frequently hear from one member of a couple that the other "always" or "never" does this and that and that the relationship is doomed unless the other gets with the program.  Also, the distressed partner usually feels like they have "done everything" to get the other to see how they are feeling and what they want the other to change.  I find that people need to be more clear on what their needs are and on what request they are making of the other.  Our requests should be specific, doable and immediate.  What if you want the other to clean up their messes more?--do you want it every day, twice per week...?  What if you want your husband to listen more?  Try this:  "Honey would you please just sit and listen to me for five minutes without giving advice?"  Or maybe:  "Honey would you please put the credit card in this drawer and only use cash on a trial basis for one month?"

Both partners stand a much better chance of getting their needs met when they communicate specifically and calmly.  And don't forget,  you may need to spend time clarifying what your own needs are by talking to yourself!!

Listening and empathizing v Fixing

Sometimes all a person needs is a space to open up without us needing to fix their problem.  Most people can creatively find a solution that is right for them.  We can listen and empathize with their needs.  In fact, we can even do this if we are in conflict with a person, if they are "triggering" anger in us or even if they are giving us the silent treatment.!  Say a person becomes silent on you...avoid the temptation to fill in the silence with your own story about what is going on with them.  You might say "You seem to be silent and I am wondering if you need anything to feel better?"  Perhaps you will be considering her needs as well as your own, even if hers are foremost at present.

Enhance your relationship

Relationship Enhancement

What values are likely to support a long term marriage?


Marriage is an entity that should take in the feelings and concerns of each person as important AND each spouse should have a  commitment to the good of the marriage above all else.  This will impact the quality of the marriage and the confidence each person has in the marriage.  When both have this, they have a deeper , more committed and satisfying relationship.

 When this commitment is absent, the relationship has the risk of deteriorating into a competition  over ensuring the desires of one's self over the desires, feelings and concerns of the other person.  The satisfaction of the other’s desires must be foremost to help lead toward happiness.

Respect for the relationship and for the other is also an  important value.  This reinforces the value of commit (above). But translated into concrete behavior is that  I  don’t allow myself to engage in harsh words or personal attacks. Respect also translates into doing for the good of the marriage even though it might not represent my  personal preference such as agreeing to a time out instead of continuing to talk about the issue which is what I would prefer.

Nonjudgmental acceptance of the other person is another important value.  Accept their ideas even if they are different than yours.  This will lead to more empathy.

For more info check out Relationship Enhancement Therapy on the web…

Don't fight!!! Anymore...

Anger - R E T H I N K

R    Recognize when/what makes you mad.  Is it used as a cover up for other emotions? (fear,     stress,     shame, fatigue, embarrassment)

E    Empathize - try to see from other’s point of view/other’s feelings.  Have you had similar     feelings?     Use “I” messages   ie  “I feel angry when you___”

T    Think - anger comes from how we look at things/think about things.  No one can MAKE us     mad.

H    Hear what the other is saying and check to see if you understand correctly.  Look into other’s     eyes to show you are listening.  Get feedback.  (This works when you OR they are angry).

I    Integrate --speak with respect and love about how you feel

N    Notice your body’s reactions and learn to bring yourself under control.  Learn to calm yourself     by whatever works for you. *

K    Keep your attention on the present and on solutions.  Stay focused on behavior not the other’s     personality.  Don’t bring up old grudges.


Use relaxation techniques, cognitive restructuring (identifying the “hot thoughts” that increase arousal,) learn behavioral coping skills-- write them down below-







*Find 3 quotes that calm you down and write them here-






*Find 3 other ways to calm yourself and slow down your pulse before you talk over the issue - write here-

angry wives-good ezine article

Passive aggressive behavior does not happen in a vacuum; it requires an adequate partner to play the game with. This interaction is created between two people-one person who resists proximity and responsibility and the other one who accepts too much frustration to feel a minimum of "love," "acceptance," or "company."
How this dynamics does get engraved in the little girl's mind? She learns this pattern in her childhood observing her parents, of course!


The need for a woman to choose and stay with a passive aggressive partner is a dynamic that is set up in her childhood. One parent withdraws and frustrates the other spouse who in turn becomes progressively more and more angry and resentful. When she grows up, the woman unconsciously chooses men who will play out the familiar patterns of withdrawal and attack of her childhood.

She falls for the man's charm, his sweet neediness and fast search for togetherness (he is talking about marriage in the first month of courtship) and ignores his real lack of connection with others. It would be easy to ask: "why he is not having any friends around him"? But it is too painful to reach a conclusion: that she is conditioned to search for people more damaged than she is, so she can "help them."

If the man's hostility and withdrawal behavioral cycle is left unchallenged, the woman begins to doubt herself. His failures become her failures, and she feels that she is not doing enough to make him happy. The harder she works on the relationship, the deeper is his need to escape and elude her.

Her life is in continual unbalance as she navigates the inconsistencies in daily connection events. As much as he feels threatened and insecure, he withdraws; this leaves her lonely so she gets angry.

The more she gets angry at him, he has to withdraw in his cave and the unresolved conflict boomerangs between then. They get locked into their own needs, not expressed enough, but acted upon. He will not show his anger at her persecution, but will do a lot of little vengeance acts which will drive her more crazy.

Living with the passive aggressive man pushes the woman into frustration and anger as the major dynamic in daily conflict. When she cannot get her needs met, she becomes the person who can blame him with intensity or have an anger attack, which then makes the man confirm his worst fears and feel very insecure in the relationship.

She rides an emotional roller coaster as she is always stuck hoping for more from her man--more commitment, more cooperation, more attention and love, and more doing what he says he will do -- as a signal that he really loves her.

With continuous cycles of this dynamics, her self-esteem erodes more and more as her frustration and anger turn to rage; getting to feel lonelier and more abandoned than when she was a single person.


To avoid repeating the choosing of passive aggressive men in several successive relationships in her future, she needs to learn a better way of reacting to his passive aggression in a way that teaches him what does she need, and what the limits for his procrastination and sabotaging are.

In short, she needs to remember that she is now a grown up person and can limit the damage other people can do to her in several active ways, from saying STOP!, to setting her own limits and or walking out.


Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. If you are interested in learning how to live a better life, clean of hidden aggression, full of support and caring ideas? We are waiting you at http://passiveaggressivehusband.com, where you can find your FREE ebook: "How healthy is your marriage?"


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nora_Femenia,_Ph.D.

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