Differentiation

David Schnarch says in his book Passionate Marriage that couples have to balance two basic life forces:  the drive for having a unique identity and the drive for togetherness.  He says that relationships are enhanced by differentiatin, which he describes as "your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others-especially as they become increasingly important to you."  He goes to the explain that poorly differentiated people may construct their identities out of a "reflected" sense of self where they need continued validation or attention (even conflict/disagreement) from the partner.  When this happens love can be confused with emotional fusion.  The aim is for "mutuality" which is being able to go forward in your own self development in the relationship while also being concerned with your partner's happiness and well-being.