In my business of helping people change, people are often not mindful that a helping professional shows up for appointments and depends on the patient to show up too if any change is to be forthcoming. Well today it happened again--a "cancellation" five minutes before the appointed time which was scheduled yesterday. It used to be hard on this die hard surfer, especially when the waves are good (rare here but good today!), and I have a dead hour to spare...not to mention the person who called yesterday and wanted this time slot... But no more does it upset me--it is what it is as they say.
So today, guess what!, I have the opportunity to re read some passages in Jon-Kabat Zinn's book Wherever you go there you are . He says that positive thinking may involve replacing one thought with another (I am glad I have an exra hour to relax). He also says that meditaion or mindfulness goes beyond thinking to watching our thoughts as one might watch a waterfall--a continual torrent of thought but we are not in the torrent. This way we can begin to understand our thoughts as just thoughts. Then maybe our thought patterns will change and our lives transformed somewhat as we learn something liberating about thinking itself-we do not have to be drawn into our thoughts...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
peoples' needs
I was musing today about how my patients often bring in complaints about how "the other person" disrespects them, doesn't listen, has a problem and, generally, how they can't be OK until the other changes. I thought about how we all have needs and we all go about trying to get them met. This goes for needs other than food and water such as need for respect, friendship, caring, peaceful times, humor and passion. Yes parents-connecting to your kids based on this knowledge can often diffuse the power struggles you are in with them-- and being firm on what your own needs are often makes boundary setting easier.
Many people don't realize the Zen and other teachings that we really don't have control over the behavior of others. Maybe you are cooking dinner and someone in the family has a yelling, temper tantrum. Suddenly, the delicious dinner you were preparing is the last thing on your mind! Depending on how you usually react, you may yell back, feel like a victim, feel like an idiot and demand something or obsess over and over on the scene. Think about what would happen if you noticed what happened and turned back to your cooking. The end. No attaching to the problem in the other and no labeling the scene as "bad".
Many people don't realize the Zen and other teachings that we really don't have control over the behavior of others. Maybe you are cooking dinner and someone in the family has a yelling, temper tantrum. Suddenly, the delicious dinner you were preparing is the last thing on your mind! Depending on how you usually react, you may yell back, feel like a victim, feel like an idiot and demand something or obsess over and over on the scene. Think about what would happen if you noticed what happened and turned back to your cooking. The end. No attaching to the problem in the other and no labeling the scene as "bad".
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I don't know what to do
Today I was talking to someone who was very depressed and stuck in a line of thinking that was not serving her....I decided to use a change tip I remembered from Bill O'Hanlon.
It went something like this-make a list of everything you have not done to get over this guy, make a list of everything you can think about other than this guy, make a list of what you life will be like after the problem...
She was surprised after resisting but doing it that there were about 9 items on her lists. She said she felt more hope. She set about doing a few and when I saw her later, she was smiling and not crying.
Frustrated or discouraged about something? Make list of things you could do to solve or resolve or change the situation no matter how weird. If you get stuck, ask someone to help you come up with ideas. It is hard to solve a problem when stuck in the problem...
It went something like this-make a list of everything you have not done to get over this guy, make a list of everything you can think about other than this guy, make a list of what you life will be like after the problem...
She was surprised after resisting but doing it that there were about 9 items on her lists. She said she felt more hope. She set about doing a few and when I saw her later, she was smiling and not crying.
Frustrated or discouraged about something? Make list of things you could do to solve or resolve or change the situation no matter how weird. If you get stuck, ask someone to help you come up with ideas. It is hard to solve a problem when stuck in the problem...
making lists
“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
Mindfulness and couples-the benefits
Did you know that if one person in the relationship is mindful, both members of the couple can benefit.
Some studies have shown that couples who discuss a contentious issue in the relationship while being observed in a lab and who scored higher on a mindfulness scale were less anxious and hostile after having conflicts with their significant others. Even Dr. Gottman has studied couples and advocates for them discussing their issues when the pulse rate drops.
Meditation practitioners have long known that mindfulness practice tends to inoculate people against feeling negative thoughts in the first place. Thus, people tend to deal with conflict with less anxiety and hostility, and mindfulness seems to prevent those symptoms from arising.
Couples who practice mindfulness together can benefit not only individually but also from the fact that they are sharing a new experience. Just observing at times can reduce the likelihood of reacting. Also, practicing when things are not heated seems to help when the hot buttons arise.
Even if only one partner is trying, the couple still benefits. If one partner is accepting and open, it’s very hard for the other partner to push against that.” I always advise couples that "if one person changes the dance steps, the dance has to change."
To an observer it might look as if the more mindful spouse is likely to "lose" an argument, but there is a difference between accepting what you feel and think and allowing someone else to have their say v their "way".
Some studies have shown that couples who discuss a contentious issue in the relationship while being observed in a lab and who scored higher on a mindfulness scale were less anxious and hostile after having conflicts with their significant others. Even Dr. Gottman has studied couples and advocates for them discussing their issues when the pulse rate drops.
Meditation practitioners have long known that mindfulness practice tends to inoculate people against feeling negative thoughts in the first place. Thus, people tend to deal with conflict with less anxiety and hostility, and mindfulness seems to prevent those symptoms from arising.
Couples who practice mindfulness together can benefit not only individually but also from the fact that they are sharing a new experience. Just observing at times can reduce the likelihood of reacting. Also, practicing when things are not heated seems to help when the hot buttons arise.
Even if only one partner is trying, the couple still benefits. If one partner is accepting and open, it’s very hard for the other partner to push against that.” I always advise couples that "if one person changes the dance steps, the dance has to change."
To an observer it might look as if the more mindful spouse is likely to "lose" an argument, but there is a difference between accepting what you feel and think and allowing someone else to have their say v their "way".
Sunday, December 11, 2011
from The Mastery of Love
Don Miguel Ruiz...and thanks to D for giving me this book for an early Christmas present!
This is good advice for couples, families and parents when he discusses the difference between fear and love:
p 60 .".. Love is based on respect. Fear doesn't respect anything, including itself. If I feel sorry for you, it means I don't respect you. You cannot make you own choices. When I have to make the choices for you, at that point I don't respect you. If I don't respect you then I try to control you. Most of the time when we tell our children how to live their lives, it's because we don't respect them. We feel sorry for them, and we try to do for them what they should do for themselves. When I don't respect myself, I feel sorry for myself. I feel I'm not good enough to make it in this world...poor me...self-pity comes from disrespect."
This sounds very familiar to what I hear in the office day by day with struggles between children and their parents. If I have heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "My kid doesn't respect me" (whine) ... "I am THE PARENT and should be respected"...all of this comes from fear and wrecks relationships.
the book proceeds on p 61 to say "...on the other hand, love respects. I love you and I know you can make it. I know you are stong enough, intelligent enough, good enough that you can make your own choices.."
read on--perhaps this is even another parenting manual that flies in the face of the pitiful comment "they never made a book that tells you how to be a parent"--the resources abound!!
This is good advice for couples, families and parents when he discusses the difference between fear and love:
p 60 .".. Love is based on respect. Fear doesn't respect anything, including itself. If I feel sorry for you, it means I don't respect you. You cannot make you own choices. When I have to make the choices for you, at that point I don't respect you. If I don't respect you then I try to control you. Most of the time when we tell our children how to live their lives, it's because we don't respect them. We feel sorry for them, and we try to do for them what they should do for themselves. When I don't respect myself, I feel sorry for myself. I feel I'm not good enough to make it in this world...poor me...self-pity comes from disrespect."
This sounds very familiar to what I hear in the office day by day with struggles between children and their parents. If I have heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "My kid doesn't respect me" (whine) ... "I am THE PARENT and should be respected"...all of this comes from fear and wrecks relationships.
the book proceeds on p 61 to say "...on the other hand, love respects. I love you and I know you can make it. I know you are stong enough, intelligent enough, good enough that you can make your own choices.."
read on--perhaps this is even another parenting manual that flies in the face of the pitiful comment "they never made a book that tells you how to be a parent"--the resources abound!!
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