Thursday, July 21, 2011

Parenting

I just heard it again:  "parenting doesnt come with a manual"...and i thought how i usually do--  It does if you are motivated to search out books such as Redirecting Children's Behavior, How to Raise a Child with a High IQ,  Giving the Love that Heals, The Strong Willed Child and Bringing up Boys and Bringing Up Girls, A Good Enough Parent and many more.  I heard Joyce Meyer say that we often pray for help or just complain..but really are praying for a miracle to drop on us with no effort on our part (this was in her 4 CD series about Breaking Bad Habits).  Changing behavior does take some effort on our part!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Listening and empathizing v Fixing

Sometimes all a person needs is a space to open up without us needing to fix their problem.  Most people can creatively find a solution that is right for them.  We can listen and empathize with their needs.  In fact, we can even do this if we are in conflict with a person, if they are "triggering" anger in us or even if they are giving us the silent treatment.!  Say a person becomes silent on you...avoid the temptation to fill in the silence with your own story about what is going on with them.  You might say "You seem to be silent and I am wondering if you need anything to feel better?"  Perhaps you will be considering her needs as well as your own, even if hers are foremost at present.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Ostracism

Pain of Ostracism Can Be Deep, Long-Lasting

ScienceDaily (June 6, 2011) — Ostracism or exclusion may not leave external scars, but it can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury, according to a Purdue University expert.
"Being excluded or ostracized is an invisible form of bullying that doesn't leave bruises, and therefore we often underestimate its impact," said Kipling D. Williams, a professor of psychological sciences. "Being excluded by high school friends, office colleagues, or even spouses or family members can be excruciating. And because ostracism is experienced in three stages, the life of those painful feelings can be extended for the long term. People and clinicians need to be aware of this so they can avoid depression or other negative experiences."
When a person is ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury, Williams said. The process of ostracism includes three stages: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and resignation.
Williams' research is reported in the current issue of Current Directions in Psychological Sciences. The article was co-authored by Steve A. Nida, associate provost and dean of The Citadel Graduate College and a professor of psychology.
"Being excluded is painful because it threatens fundamental human needs, such as belonging and self-esteem," Williams said. "Again and again research has found that strong, harmful reactions are possible even when ostracized by a stranger or for a short amount of time."
More than 5,000 people have participated in studies using a computer game designed by Williams to show how just two or three minutes of ostracism can produce lingering negative feelings.
"How can it be that such a brief experience, even when being ignored and excluded by strangers with whom the individual will never have any face-to-face interaction, can have such a powerful effect?" he said. "The effect is consistent even though individuals' personalities vary."
People also vary in how they cope, which is the second stage of ostracism. Coping can mean the person tries to harder be included. For example, some of those who are ostracized may be more likely to engage in behaviors that increase their future inclusion by mimicking, complying, obeying orders, cooperating or expressing attraction.
"They will go to great lengths to enhance their sense of belonging and self-esteem," Williams said.
If they feel there is little hope for re-inclusion or that they have little control over their lives, they may resort to provocative behavior and even aggression.
"At some point, they stop worrying about being liked, and they just want to be noticed," Williams said.
However, if a person has been ostracized for a long time, they may not have the ability to continue coping as the pain lingers. Some people may give up, Williams said.
"The third stage is called resignation. This is when people who have been ostracized are less helpful and more aggressive to others in general," he said. "It also increases anger and sadness, and long-term ostracism can result in alienation, depression, helplessness and feelings of unworthiness."
Williams is trying to better understand how ostracized individuals may be attracted to extreme groups and what might be the reactions of ostracized groups.
"These groups provide members with a sense of belonging, self-worth and control, but they can fuel narrowness, radicalism and intolerance, and perhaps a propensity toward hostility and violence toward others," he said. "When a person feels ostracized they feel out of control, and aggressive behavior is one way to restore that control. When these individuals come together in a group there can be negative consequences."
Williams is a professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences in Purdue's College of Health and Human Sciences.
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Story Source:
The above story is reprinted (with editorial adaptations by ScienceDaily staff) from materials provided by Purdue University.

Journal Reference:
  1. K. D. Williams, S. A. Nida. Ostracism: Consequences and Coping. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011; 20 (2): 71 DOI: 10.1177/0963721411402480
APA

MLA
Purdue University (2011, June 6). Pain of ostracism can be deep, long-lasting. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 4, 2011, from http://www.sciencedaily.com­ /releases/2011/05/110510151216.htm
Note: If no author is given, the source is cited instead.
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of ScienceDaily or its staff.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Enhance your relationship

Relationship Enhancement

What values are likely to support a long term marriage?


Marriage is an entity that should take in the feelings and concerns of each person as important AND each spouse should have a  commitment to the good of the marriage above all else.  This will impact the quality of the marriage and the confidence each person has in the marriage.  When both have this, they have a deeper , more committed and satisfying relationship.

 When this commitment is absent, the relationship has the risk of deteriorating into a competition  over ensuring the desires of one's self over the desires, feelings and concerns of the other person.  The satisfaction of the other’s desires must be foremost to help lead toward happiness.

Respect for the relationship and for the other is also an  important value.  This reinforces the value of commit (above). But translated into concrete behavior is that  I  don’t allow myself to engage in harsh words or personal attacks. Respect also translates into doing for the good of the marriage even though it might not represent my  personal preference such as agreeing to a time out instead of continuing to talk about the issue which is what I would prefer.

Nonjudgmental acceptance of the other person is another important value.  Accept their ideas even if they are different than yours.  This will lead to more empathy.

For more info check out Relationship Enhancement Therapy on the web…

Don't fight!!! Anymore...

Anger - R E T H I N K

R    Recognize when/what makes you mad.  Is it used as a cover up for other emotions? (fear,     stress,     shame, fatigue, embarrassment)

E    Empathize - try to see from other’s point of view/other’s feelings.  Have you had similar     feelings?     Use “I” messages   ie  “I feel angry when you___”

T    Think - anger comes from how we look at things/think about things.  No one can MAKE us     mad.

H    Hear what the other is saying and check to see if you understand correctly.  Look into other’s     eyes to show you are listening.  Get feedback.  (This works when you OR they are angry).

I    Integrate --speak with respect and love about how you feel

N    Notice your body’s reactions and learn to bring yourself under control.  Learn to calm yourself     by whatever works for you. *

K    Keep your attention on the present and on solutions.  Stay focused on behavior not the other’s     personality.  Don’t bring up old grudges.


Use relaxation techniques, cognitive restructuring (identifying the “hot thoughts” that increase arousal,) learn behavioral coping skills-- write them down below-







*Find 3 quotes that calm you down and write them here-






*Find 3 other ways to calm yourself and slow down your pulse before you talk over the issue - write here-