Passive aggressive behavior does not happen in a vacuum; it requires an adequate partner to play the game with. This interaction is created between two people-one person who resists proximity and responsibility and the other one who accepts too much frustration to feel a minimum of "love," "acceptance," or "company."
How this dynamics does get engraved in the little girl's mind? She learns this pattern in her childhood observing her parents, of course!
The need for a woman to choose and stay with a passive aggressive partner is a dynamic that is set up in her childhood. One parent withdraws and frustrates the other spouse who in turn becomes progressively more and more angry and resentful. When she grows up, the woman unconsciously chooses men who will play out the familiar patterns of withdrawal and attack of her childhood.
She falls for the man's charm, his sweet neediness and fast search for togetherness (he is talking about marriage in the first month of courtship) and ignores his real lack of connection with others. It would be easy to ask: "why he is not having any friends around him"? But it is too painful to reach a conclusion: that she is conditioned to search for people more damaged than she is, so she can "help them."
If the man's hostility and withdrawal behavioral cycle is left unchallenged, the woman begins to doubt herself. His failures become her failures, and she feels that she is not doing enough to make him happy. The harder she works on the relationship, the deeper is his need to escape and elude her.
Her life is in continual unbalance as she navigates the inconsistencies in daily connection events. As much as he feels threatened and insecure, he withdraws; this leaves her lonely so she gets angry.
The more she gets angry at him, he has to withdraw in his cave and the unresolved conflict boomerangs between then. They get locked into their own needs, not expressed enough, but acted upon. He will not show his anger at her persecution, but will do a lot of little vengeance acts which will drive her more crazy.
Living with the passive aggressive man pushes the woman into frustration and anger as the major dynamic in daily conflict. When she cannot get her needs met, she becomes the person who can blame him with intensity or have an anger attack, which then makes the man confirm his worst fears and feel very insecure in the relationship.
She rides an emotional roller coaster as she is always stuck hoping for more from her man--more commitment, more cooperation, more attention and love, and more doing what he says he will do -- as a signal that he really loves her.
With continuous cycles of this dynamics, her self-esteem erodes more and more as her frustration and anger turn to rage; getting to feel lonelier and more abandoned than when she was a single person.
To avoid repeating the choosing of passive aggressive men in several successive relationships in her future, she needs to learn a better way of reacting to his passive aggression in a way that teaches him what does she need, and what the limits for his procrastination and sabotaging are.
In short, she needs to remember that she is now a grown up person and can limit the damage other people can do to her in several active ways, from saying STOP!, to setting her own limits and or walking out.
Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. If you are interested in learning how to live a better life, clean of hidden aggression, full of support and caring ideas? We are waiting you at http://passiveaggressivehusband.com, where you can find your FREE ebook: "How healthy is your marriage?"
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