I was musing today about how my patients often bring in complaints about how "the other person" disrespects them, doesn't listen, has a problem and, generally, how they can't be OK until the other changes. I thought about how we all have needs and we all go about trying to get them met. This goes for needs other than food and water such as need for respect, friendship, caring, peaceful times, humor and passion. Yes parents-connecting to your kids based on this knowledge can often diffuse the power struggles you are in with them-- and being firm on what your own needs are often makes boundary setting easier.
Many people don't realize the Zen and other teachings that we really don't have control over the behavior of others. Maybe you are cooking dinner and someone in the family has a yelling, temper tantrum. Suddenly, the delicious dinner you were preparing is the last thing on your mind! Depending on how you usually react, you may yell back, feel like a victim, feel like an idiot and demand something or obsess over and over on the scene. Think about what would happen if you noticed what happened and turned back to your cooking. The end. No attaching to the problem in the other and no labeling the scene as "bad".
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