Let's talk

Lots and lots of times a couple will come in the office thinking that their partner has problems that need to be changed if the relationship is to improve.  Not infrequently the wife will say that she wishes her husband would talk with her more.  Emerson Eggerichs talks about this in his book  Love and Respect.  I like to laugh when I see patterns common to my marriage and to may others!  "Let's talk" have different meanings for men and women.  Often for women it means "let's get closer" while for men (my husband included) it means "uh oh here it comes".  When women try to get on the emotional track, men sometimes feel inept and, in response, defensive.  One of the most important things for a woman to understand is that his reluctance to talk doesn't mean that he doesn't care, is self-absorbed, etc.  Some have had success in scheduling short time limited talks.  I've had success in piling on the positive reinforcement when my husband stretches to try to talk!!!  I have noticed that backing off a bit and developing a different repertoire in my attempts at closeness has a big payoff.  I have learned lots of ways to soothe myself and let him be a man and figure things out on his own.