"The habit of exiting, of escaping into thoughts and daydreams is a common occurrence. In fact, fantasy is where we spend most of our time. The Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck called these flights of fancy "the substitute life."
Of course, we don't have to be meditating for the mind to wander off to this substitute life. We can be listening to someone talking and mentally just depart. The person is right in front of us, but we're on the beach at Waikiki. The main way we depart is by keeping up a running internal commentary on what's going and what we're feeling 'like this, I don't like that, I"m hot, I'm cold', and so on. In fact, we can become so caught up in this internal dialogue that the people around us become invisible. An important part of meditation practice, therefore, is to non-aggressively drop that ongoing conversation in our head and joyfully come back to the present, being present in the body, being present in the mind, not envisioning the future or reliving the past, but, if only briefly, showing up for this very moment."
(From Pema Chodron's book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change

Where do i start?

Notes on relationships with some paraphrased and prudent, pithy advice from some helpful people....

Dr. Phil—aim to meet the needs of the two people involved/ you can help heal your partner's fear and anger by stating your needs firmly and hearing what their needs are. You must do it differently from how you have been doing it and realize that relationships can change even with only one partner having the motivations.

John 14:12--- “and whatsoever you ask in my name, that I will do...” (not self centered requests but asking in HIS name) reading on to 14:16-17

Martha Peace---God has planned a ministry for each spouse which is to make the other their ministry.

Tara Bennett-Goleman and Harville Hendricks----our left over baggage from early relationships can make relationships emotional battlegrounds but can also help us do the work that will free us.

We tend to draw people to us that repeat these early woundings or “schemas”.

Partners can work together to dismantle these triggers and use empathy to foster compassion for the other. MIRRORING is a term to look up and use.

 

Now get to work and look up the verse and the term...do it yourself whether your spouse does it or not!

Deep Beliefs

Sometimes we have beliefs that are so deep we are not really aware of them.  These patterns that may have been laid down over and over in early life can act like a rutted dirt road that takes the car off to the right even if you are consciously trying to turn left.  Beliefs may affect relationships, marriages, work life etc.  These "emotional habits" may even lead to compulsions and addictions.

One way out is to begin to practice mindfulness in daily life, applying such to our patterns of emotional reactivity.  For instance, maybe your husband says "I really want to work better at our parenting together" and you "hear" he "never gives me any credit" or "he's saying I'm doing it wrong" because of the lens through which you view comments from those close to you.

If we practice pulling back and watching our emotions without reactivity..we can sometimes avoid getting wrapped up in anxiety and anger...thereby responding much more creatively and helpfully in those situations that USED TO set us off.  I like breath focus...just noting in breath and then out breath...there's a thought now..gently back to in breath and out breath...another thought..just labeling it "thinking" and back to the breaths without judging the thought or yourself or the person in front of you....

prov 23:7

As Joyce Meyer says I am getting "more serious about thinking about what I am thinking about".

Thoughts bear fruit.  Your life will not get straightened out until your mind is!


...for as he thinks in his heart, so is he... prov 23:7

cruising

wow went on a great Carnival cruise!!!  A counselor needs to take care of herself i know but following the boat on the radar map(I could see Cuba!!) made me sad when we went past Haiti...all the pigouts on the boat and they are so hungry....  AND in Nassau they were throwing away perfectly good lounge chairs!!!  They were just piled up in the  dumpsters....  OK I am more motivated to give, give, give through Samaritan's Purse- Franklin Graham's ministry.  A few Christmases ago I quit the gift exchange and, instead, give in peoples' name to this charity.  I tend to focus on the healthcare, clean water and health gifts!

RUDY

"The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment" (Kalish).

Search for God

The search of all people is for God.  They may think they are looking for other things, but they must eventually admit that it is God they seek...Charles Fillmore

T S Isaac

Well we can fear the storm and worry about it or we can just embrace it like most of us surfers do!!!  Life is limited and, thus, valuable so we don't want to miss any of it by worrying and being "in the head". Hurricanes help us to be aware that not everything in life turns out just the way we want it to.  And because of this we don't have to despair...there are still many positive things going on right at this minute.

"At the level of the ego, we struggle to solve our problems.  Spirit sees the struggle as the problem."  Deepak Chopra  

El Salvador

Everyone needs to just drop out of everyday life once in a while.  Central America is the place to do it!!  These waves don't look like it but they are "man overhead".  During this trip with my arms blown out, I had to get used to the fact that no one will be praising my surfing ability as in the days long gone... but, instead, have to satisfy myself with "at least you are still out there"...  Getting old but still (trying) to go strong!

I'm goin here!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEBiW1sWd1U

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK4pjuqs_g8

a gem from Dr. Phil

in the latest Oprah mag he says "Our feelings are not always based in reality-instead, we tend to react to our perception of a situation"

each new day

Every morning when we wake up we have twenty-four brand-new hours to live...we have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others. 
Thich Nhat Hanh

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Rom 15:13

Bad day?

The more we practice how to have a bad day well, the better day it will be...Stephen Levine A Year to Live

master mind

What other things have you mastered after thinking it would be impossible?

Healing

"We must choose to ask questions, listen, seek to understand, and speak words that bring healing"             Gary Chapman in Homelife mag

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly...

"When we lose that openness to the cosmic humor of it all, we lose perspective.  We become like the rooster who thinks his crowing makes the sun come up each morning." Stephen Levine

more on angry people

and anger in ourselves... Taken from A Gradual Awakening by Stephen Levine p. 110

"Because karma is based on volition, on intention, it is easy to see that if our intention is to harm others, we will be wary of being harmed ourselves.  We will incur paranoid thoughts.  It doesn't necessarily mean that somebody is going to trip us as we walk around the corner.  We trip ourselves.  We don't have to go anywhere to look for our karma.  We are our karma.  The awareness to just notice our intention is quite subtle...normally we scratch without knowing we itch.  But eventually, if we notice the intention to scratch, we will recognize before it the itch. The advantage of recognizing the itch is we then have the choice - the choice of scratching or not scratching.  Now, if it isn't an itch, but an action which is harmful to someone else or to ourselves, we have a choice to act on it or not act on it.  Being aware of that level of mind changes our relationship to our conditioning, our karma.  It ALLOWS US MORE SPACE IN WHICH TO RESPOND ." (CAPS are mine)...

The present moment

It can happen at any time and yesterday it came straight at me from the Bahamas, in fact right from Therapeia!!!  A call came in and I was subjected to a minute's worth of crazy ranting and raving, threats and accusations--just lots of verbal abuse from a misguided person who was very angry!!!  Well not everyone is on the spiritual path and it is sad but we must send out lovingkindness even in the worst of times.  Some people just don't realize the first noble truth--life is suffering///and the second noble truth-life is continually changing and not always to our liking...we refuse to make peace with this and act as if we can hold on and control..."May all beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness..."   there is no need to be mean to try to blow off steam of anger!!

from St. Francis?

'Preach the gospel. When necessary use words'.,,,my thought for the month of May

Back to work

Back from Eleuthera and reading Stephan Bodian's WAKE UP NOW,,, p. 33 "Who knows? 'Why' questions are the mind's attempt to make sense of the incomprehensible.  The only truly honest answer is, because that's the way it is." 

 p. 35  "...suffering is not required but it does have the uncanny ability to pull the rug out from beneath your comfortable little world and open you to a deeper source of meaning and fulfillment.  It's a powerful motivator.  You don't have to go looking for it, of course--it will find you eventually."

Love

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Paul, Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)

Buddhisy Psychology can help with difficult emotions

http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

An Overview of Loving-kindness Meditation

Loving-kindness meditation can be brought in to support the practice of 'bare attention' to help keep the mind open and sweet. It provides the essential balance to support your insight meditation practice.

It is a fact of life that many people are troubled by difficult emotional states in the pressured societies we live in, but do little in terms of developing skills to deal with them. Yet even when the mind goes sour it is within most people's capacity to arouse positive feelings to sweeten it. Loving-kindness is a meditation practice taught by the Buddha to develop the mental habit of selfless or altruistic love. In the Dhammapada can be found the saying: "Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness."

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice, which brings about positive attitudinal changes as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts, as it were, as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind.

To put it into its context, Loving-kindness is the first of a series of meditations that produce four qualities of love: Friendliness (metta), Compassion (karuna), Appreciative Joy (mudita) and Equanimity (upekkha). The quality of 'friendliness' is expressed as warmth that reaches out and embraces others. When loving-kindness practice matures it naturally overflows into compassion, as one empathises with other people's difficulties; on the other hand one needs to be wary of pity, as its near enemy, as it merely mimics the quality of concern without empathy. The positive expression of empathy is an appreciation of other people's good qualities or good fortune, or appreciative joy, rather than feelings of jealousy towards them. This series of meditations comes to maturity as 'on-looking equanimity'. This 'engaged equanimity' must be cultivated within the context of this series of meditations, or there is a risk of it manifesting as its near enemy, indifference or aloofness. So, ultimately you remain kindly disposed and caring toward everybody with an equal spread of loving feelings and acceptance in all situations and relationships.

How to do it . . .

The practice always begins with developing a loving acceptance of yourself. If resistance is experienced then it indicates that feelings of unworthiness are present. No matter, this means there is work to be done, as the practice itself is designed to overcome any feelings of self-doubt or negativity. Then you are ready to systematically develop loving-kindness towards others.

Four Types of Persons to develop loving-kindness towards:

• a respected, beloved person - such as a spiritual teacher;
• a dearly beloved - which could be a close family member or friend;
• a neutral person - somebody you know, but have no special feelings towards, e.g.: a person who serves you in a shop;
• a hostile person - someone you are currently having difficulty with.

Starting with yourself, then systematically sending loving-kindness from person to person in the above order will have the effect of breaking down the barriers between the four types of people and yourself. This will have the effect of breaking down the divisions within your own mind, the source of much of the conflict we experience. Just a word of caution if you are practicing intensively. It is best if you choose a member of the same sex or, if you have a sexual bias to your own sex, a person of the opposite sex. This is because of the risk that the near enemy of loving-kindness, lust, can be aroused. Try different people to practice on, as some people do not easily fit into the above categories, but do try to keep to the prescribed order.

Ways of arousing feelings of loving-kindness:

1. Visualisation - Bring up a mental picture. See yourself or the person the feeling is directed at smiling back at you or just being joyous.

1. By reflection - Reflect on the positive qualities of a person and the acts of kindness they have done. And to yourself, making an affirmation, a positive statement about yourself, using your own words.

3. Auditory - This is the simplest way but probably the most effective. Repeat an internalized mantra or phrase such as 'loving-kindness'.

The visualisations, reflections and the repetition of loving-kindness are devices to help you arouse positive feelings of loving-kindness. You can use all of them or one that works best for you. When the positive feeling arise, switch from the devices to the feeling, as it is the feeling that is the primary focus. Keep the mind fixed on the feeling, if it strays bring it back to the device, or if the feelings weaken or are lost then return to the device, i.e. use the visualisation to bring back or strengthen the feeling.

The second stage is Directional Pervasion where you systematically project the aroused feeling of loving-kindness to all points of the compass: north, south, east and west, up and down, and all around. This directional pervasion will be enhanced by bringing to mind loving friends and like-minded communities you know in the cities, towns and countries around the world.

Non-specific Pervasion tends to spontaneously happen as the practice matures. It is not discriminating. It has no specific object and involves just naturally radiating feelings of universal love. When it arises the practice has then come to maturity in that it has changed particular, preferential love, which is an attached love, to an all-embracing unconditional love!

Loving-kindness is a heart meditation and should not to be seen as just a formal sitting practice removed from everyday life. So take your good vibes outside into the streets, at home, at work and into your relationships. Applying the practice to daily life is a matter of directing a friendly attitude and having openness toward everybody you relate to, without discrimination.

There are as many different ways of doing it as there are levels of intensity in the practice. This introduction is intended to help you familiarize yourself with the basic technique, so that you can become established in the practice before going on, if you wish, to the deeper, systematic practice - to the level of meditative absorption.

§

Venerable Sujiva's clear and comprehensive presentation in BuddhaNet of Metta Bhavana (which is the Pali term for the cultivation of loving-kindness) is a step-by-step explanation of the systematic practice. This section, based on the Visuddhimagga, The Path of Purification, is for meditators who are prepared to develop loving-kindness meditation to its fullest and thereby experience the deeper aspects of the practice.

A benefit of developing the five absorption factors of concentration through the systematic practice is that it will counteract the Five Mental Hindrances of the meditator: Sensuality; that is, all forms of Ill Will, Mental inertia; Restlessness and Skeptical Doubt. When the meditator achieves full concentration, five absorption factors are present: the first two are casual factors: Applied thought and Sustained thought, followed by three effects: Rapture, Ease-of-mind and One-pointedness or unification of mind. The five absorption factors have a one-to-one correspondence to the five mental hindrances, or obstacles, to the meditator: Applied thought, by arousing energy and effort, overcomes the hindrance of sloth and torpor; Sustained thought, by steadying the mind, overcomes skeptical doubt which has the characteristic of wavering; Rapture with its uplifting effervescence, prevails over feelings of ill-will; Ease-of-mind, by relieving accumulated stress, counteracts restlessness or agitation of mind; while One-pointedness restrains the mind's wanderings in the sense-fields to inhibit sensuality. The benefit of achieving deep concentration with this positive mind set is that it will tend to imprint the new positive conditioning while overriding the old negative patterns. In this way, old negative habits are changed, thereby freeing one to form new, positive ways of relating.

We also have, in BuddhaNet's Loving-Kindness Meditation section, inspiring instructions by Gregory Kramer of the Metta Foundation on teaching loving-kindness to children within the family context. Gregory gives practical advice to parents on how to bring the practice of loving-kindness within the home. In this way, we can hope that loving-kindness meditation will become a natural part of the family's daily practice, and that one day it will be adopted universally as a practice to uplift human hearts.

May you be happy hearted!

Surfing and mental well-being

Surfing is popular among people of all ages and abilities. It promotes health and cardiovascular fitness as well as strength in the core, back, shoulders and legs and even the abs. It promotes a sense of peace and mental well-being as well as many opportunities to practice managing anger and learning patience when surfing in crowded spots!  In fact, that is how I became able to have peace even around people who are not courteous or are donwright mean!! Of course, GOD gave lots of help too. Taking lessons to learn the correct surfing technique will help to get you started. You should be a strong swimmer and always be aware of the safety aspects of being in the surf.

Surfing is:
A great way to spend time outdoors and enjoy the natural environment;  A wonderful way to pray and meditate while sitting in the ocean; A fun way to reduce tension and stress as well as have fun with family members.  We always joke "The couple who surfs together stays together".       

• Learn in Florida or the Bahamas in small, fun, warm waves!!

Differentiation

David Schnarch says in his book Passionate Marriage that couples have to balance two basic life forces:  the drive for having a unique identity and the drive for togetherness.  He says that relationships are enhanced by differentiatin, which he describes as "your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others-especially as they become increasingly important to you."  He goes to the explain that poorly differentiated people may construct their identities out of a "reflected" sense of self where they need continued validation or attention (even conflict/disagreement) from the partner.  When this happens love can be confused with emotional fusion.  The aim is for "mutuality" which is being able to go forward in your own self development in the relationship while also being concerned with your partner's happiness and well-being.

Today

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the
power to make me happy or unhappy today.  I can choose which it shall be.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.  I have just one day,
today, and I'm going to be happy in it. - Groucho

from David K. Reynolds

"A Thousand Waves"..."p. 137         "Too often we go to extremes to oppose or demolish something that could be accepted and incorporated into our lives"

Mean People Suck!! or do they...

 I think there’s already too much negativity going around.
     How do we not become a sponge that soaks up poison people project on us?  How can we still be happy when those around us are so obviously not? It is so much easier not to feel victimized and stay stuck in ruminating about the bad when we acknowledge those times that we, too, have dished out unwarranted foul dispositions towards others at one time or another. In fact, beware as you may be the only light of God or goodness that someone meets!
    First we must become aware of our own thoughts, behaviors, feelings and moods at any given moment and take full responsibility for them. This means removing from the realm of possibility even the notion of complaining or blaming others for our own current state of feeling.
     Learning to let go of that negative energy once the situation has passed is crucial. Too often we  replay the hurt in our minds obsessively, letting it stew and fester. Before we know it, we too are in a foul mood, perpetuating more negativity and projecting it onto others by complaining about the injustice we’ve just endured or how "they" made me feel this way.
    Often our  mood is our choice but we react with the conditioning of our upbringing and it is our responsibility to notice when we are reacting habitually and decide to insert a new script!!...  maybe even some NEW general attitudes towards life, people and situations..
     If someone else’s grumpiness or mean-spirited demeanor is directed at us, it is simply a reflection of what is going on internally within them.It helps to remember this to not take it personally. Imagine being able to consciously see the situation for what it is — mean people don’t suck…their “attitude” does. Perhaps the person is having a really bad day; has just heard some terrible news; is feeling exhausted or ill; or was on the receiving end of someone else’s poisonous attitude?
     The point is, we don’t know what may be going on for that “mean” person and by choosing to not take their poison personally we create a space for potentially having some understanding around what they may be experiencing.

     Finding compassion within ourselves for those who aren’t necessarily aware of how their behavior affects others can be instrumental in profoundly changing the way we interact with and treat each other on a daily basis. By practicing gratitude and redirecting our focus onto positive thoughts of gratitude daily for all that we appreciate in our lives, however significant or small, can do wonders on how we feel about ourselves and how we view the world around us.
Imagine a world where everyone treats each other with kindness, love and compassion. What an amazing, wonderful and peaceful world this would truly be. By choosing to live consciously and by taking full and complete responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, behaviors and moods, we will be kinder and happier ourselves.
     The next time you encounter someone in a foul mood, remember, mean people don’t suck…their attitude does. Don’t take it personally! Set a positive example by showing a little compassion and kindness to everyone no matter what. The ‘mean’ ones need it just as much as we do, if not more.  As Pema Chodron would say "May this person who is driving me crazy enjoy happiness and be free from suffering".

Japanses psychology for mental well being and anxiety

The key is to not resist or rebel against the symptoms or to try to get around them by devising all sorts of tricks, that is, to accept them directly as they are without shunning them.” --Takahisa Kora, M.D.

“Your thoughts and feelings are a kind of secretion. It is important for us to see that clearly. I’ve always got things coming up in my head, but if I tried to act on everything that came up, it would just wear me out.” -- Kosho Uchiyama Roshi

Quotes taken from the TODO Institute.org 

surf lessons 2012

Sara got up on her first wave!!!

The Bible on why we have pain

http://www.whypain.org/scriptures.html     

Re: reading Jack Kornfield and the Bible

I love his book The Wise Heart:  p. 244 "We are all subject to aging and illness, to losses that nothing will change.  Loneliness, betrayal, insecurity have no outer cure."  He goes on to quote the buddha: "It seems that although we thought ourselves permanent, we are not.  Although we thought ourselves settled, we are not.  Although we thought we would last forever, we will not."  Jack concludes that "facing our pain honorably is  the only way we can grow...feel the pain of grasping and then relax to set the burden down."

The Bible also says that there is a positive side to suffering and that God will help us!... in Ps 119:71:  "It is good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."  1Cor 10:13 is the first verse I ever memorized....

Joyce Meyer Ministries

"Treating others as we would like to be treated in every situation will reduce strife and lead to strong, fruitful relationships"

 

I say this is so true and easier to do when the other is treating you nicely.  Hard to do when another is being mean or obnoxious!!!  Never a marriage counseling session goes by without talking about this idea!

Biblical worry-busting affirmations

Sometimes clients ask for some Biblical phrases to memorize and repeat when having a panic attack:

Psalm 24:4  Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord for you are with me.

Psalm 56:3  When I am afraid Lord Almighty, I put my trust in you.

Phill 4:13  I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.

(Today's English Version)

If you have a negative streak

1)  Think about what thoughts run through your head.  If they seem critical or depressing try tackling them from a different angle.  Your are in charge of your thoughts and are in control of what you are telling yourself.  Practice just for a day to see if inserting positive thoughts changes anything.  You will be amazed.  Also-it is important to see if there are any triggers such as watching the news that lead to the "habit" of negative thinking.  Redirecting your attention will help to curtail these obstacles to optimism.

2)  Choose your friends wisely "He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed" Prov 13:20.

3)  Live in the present moment and remember each day is a fresh start toward "renewing your mind"...Romans 12:2.  You can do something you enjoy RIGHT NOW RIGHT THIS MOMENT...even if it is only for one minute!

The Shadow of the Wind

my book for the weekend by  Carlos Ruiz Zafon--pg 71 is a great quote: 

 "I don't know. People tend to complicate their own lives, as if living weren't already complicated enough."

The big, huge ocean

from You Have to Say Something:  Manifesting Zen Insight by Dainin Katagiri

"If you just stay with your usual understanding of things, you will be like the frog that only swims in his small pond.  Staying just within your little territory, you will never know anything about the larger world in which you live.  You have to JUMP INTO THE OCEAN.  Then you can understand your small world for what it it."

1 James 3-15

I was struck by my preacher's message today (Jim Gallagher) about how we are lured away from blessings of abundant life just as fish are lured away from their life by actual lures.  He said that the fisherman doesn't have the fish's best interest at heart but has an idea of batter and oil.  How like it is for us as being tempted by desires already in us (1:14).  We have the idea that sin is bad only because God said so instead of it being bad because sin is bad. That is-bad for us. We covet and are drawn away but the enticing lures rarely, if ever, last.  We demonstrating character can be used by God for his glory and our well-being.

Today you can choose integrity and authenticity

You can only really control yourself!  No matter how others act you can choose peace to deal with them.  You may not get what you think you want but you will know that you chose fairness and honesty without creating more separation in your relationship.  If you feel good about your part in the dealing of the conflict, then you really do "win"...  and guess what, this applies to your dealings with your kids too!

Mindfulness can be practiced by Christians as well as buddhists

The Psalms talk about resting in Christ and taking every thought captive to Christ so it, too, is focused on our thoughts.  Cognitive psychologists have long known that our thoughts can lead to our feelings so all of this is good clinical advice whether we are talking about self- growth, relationship growth or parenting.  Mindful practice that I gravitate to is taking time to practice just being present in one’s surroundings-just noting such like I try to do when walking Rudy and Buttons.  I will never be the same after walking them at night and hearing the night sounds after walking them night after night engrossed in thoughs of the next day.  So much more pleasant listening and feeling the night air.   While many thoughts may race through the brain, the mindful person may choose to not follow them but focus on God's creation and the beauty around them which delight (or don't) the senses. This is a form of discipline best practiced when calm so that it will be available during a "crisis" such as when a family member is on  your last nerve!! Resting without grasping what seems good is how we learn to walk with God in the tough times as well as the glad times.  We need compassion for ourselves as well as compassion for others too!!