Thursday, August 1, 2013

Sense of purpose and immunity

Sense of Purpose Strengthens Immune System

A new study finds that, on a genetic level, all happiness is not created equal.

 
Are happy people also healthier people? Researchers who have examined that question on a genetic level report the answer depends upon your definition of “happiness.”
They have found a strong link between living one’s life with a sense of purpose and enjoying a robust immune system. However, shallower forms of happiness such as “simple self-gratification” produce the opposite result, weakening the body’s immune response.
A new study finds these two basic types of happiness—“eudaimonic” and “hedonic”—produce internal changes that are in “stark contrast at the level of molecular physiology.” It has just been published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Could it be that feeling self-satisfied is inevitably (but often unconsciously) accompanied by the fear that this contentment won’t last?

The research team, led by psychologist Barbara Fredrickson of the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and Steven Cole, a professor of medicine at the University of California-Los Angeles, measured the activity of certain key genes that regulate the immune system. They used blood samples of 84 people, all healthy adults recruited in the Durham and Orange County regions of North Carolina.
Participants revealed their level and type of happiness by answering a series of questions. Specifically, they indicated how often in the past week they felt (a) happy, (b) satisfied, (c) that their life had a sense of direction, (d) that they had something to contribute to society, and (e) that they were challenged “to grow and become a better person.” They also answered questions about their health, and whether they suffered from any symptoms of depression.
Not surprisingly, the researchers found considerable overlap between the two types of happiness. Participant surveys revealed they had “similarly strong inverse relationships to symptoms of depression.” However, on a genetic level, they produced “markedly divergent” results.
Strikingly, hedonic happiness was associated with higher levels of the sort of immune-system genetic activity that is typically provoked by extended periods of stress—activity that can increase inflammation and decrease antiviral responses. In contrast, eudaimonic happiness was associated with lower levels of this unwanted genetic activity.
Could it be that feeling self-satisfied is inevitably (but often unconsciously) accompanied by the fear that this contentment won’t last, which provokes a stress response on a genetic level? If so, this research suggests a sense of meaning and purpose fails to produce that same adverse reaction.
The researchers are quick to note that the two types of happiness often share common sources (such as strong social connections) and can reinforce one another. However, “for people in whom one form of well-being outweighs the other, striving predominantly toward meaning may have more favorable effects on health than striving predominantly toward (personal happiness),” they conclude.
They add that these results imply “the potential for an objective approach to moral philosophy rooted in the utility of health, and the basic biology of human nature.” We may feel terrific when our own immediate needs are met. But our genes seem to be telling us that optimal health requires something more: a genuine sense of meaning.     http://www.psmag.com/health/sense-of-purpose-strengthens-immune-system-63586/

Monday, July 29, 2013

God is wise

Hebrews 6:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

There is freedom in forgiving

http://theresurgence.com/files/2011/04/10/Keller-Forgiveness_and_Reconciliation.pdf
 
The experience of the gospel gives us the two prerequisites for a life of forgiveness: emotional humility and emotional wealth.
 
You can remain bitter toward someone only if you feel superior, if you are sure that you "would never do anything like that!" To remain unforgiving means you are unaware of your own sinfulness and need for forgiveness. When Paul says he is the worst among sinners (1 Tim. 1:15), he is not exaggerating. He is saying that he is as capable of sin as the worst criminals are. The gospel has equipped him with emotional humility.

At the same time, you can’t be gracious to someone if you are too needy and insecure. If you know God’s love and forgiveness, then there is a limit to how deeply another person can hurt you. He or she can’t touch your real identity, wealth, and significance. The more you rejoice in your own forgiveness, the quicker you will be to forgive others. You are rooted in emotional wealth.


Monday, July 15, 2013

healing with hypnosis resource

http://www.healingwithhypnosis.com/medical-hypnosis




Sunday, July 14, 2013

Turtle

When it comes to graceful aquatic animals, none may be more so then the turtle. Turtle are seen as peaceful and graceful creatures. Turtles can be found in rivers, ponds, oceans, and streams all across the world. Since the turtle is found all across the globe, turtles are often associated to a variety of different cultures. This is one reason why the turtle tattoo is popular. As a tattoo and in life, the turtle remains one of the most symbolic creatures in the world.
Turtle tattoos usually hold symbolic meanings for those who wear this animal tattoo. As most animal tattoos, we can view the turtle in nature to fully understand most of the meanings that are associated to the turtle. Below, you can find some of the meanings that are linked to the turtle tattoo.
  • Serenity
  • Peaceful
  • Courage
  • Bravery
  • Perseverance
  • Wisdom
  • Protection
  • Safety
  • Healing
  • Stamina
  • Longevity
  • Gentleness
  • Since there are a variety of different meanings associated to the turtle tattoo, anyone of the meanings above can be linked to turtle tattoos. Two of the most common meanings of the turtle tattoo is longevity and perseverance. Turtles have the ability to live longer then most humans, usually 80-100 years old. Although the turtle is slow, their speed never deters them from doing what needs to be done.
    The turtle can also symbolize spirituality and healing. In a variety of different ancient cultures, it is believed that the turtle has the power to heal. In many cultures all across the world, the turtle is a symbol of wisdom. The turtle represents protection and safety also. The turtle can hide back in their shell from other animals when they are in danger. Their shell is hard enough to protect them from most animals and conditions.

  • http://thelyricwriter.hubpages.com/hub/Turtle-Tattoos-And-Meanings#slide6295681













Christian Marriage

This is reprinted (Ce4Less.com Marriage and Family Counseling - A Christian Perspective Stan E. DeKoven Ph.D.)  as one of my clients recently said "I never knew all this stuff" and she went on a search of biblical truths which led to a stopping of divorce proceedings...

The Biblical understanding of marriage is related to the nature and purpose of God. Biblical views of man, marriage, sex, and family refuse to explain life in terms of man’s self-chosen aims. The Bible insists that attempts to understand life apart from the divine purpose are ultimately foolish. The Creator’s design establishes the dignity of the divine gift of marriage.

Marriage is for Fellowship
 
Men and women were created for fellowship with God and for His glory. Their dignity rests in their relational capacity. Men and women were designed for fellowship with each other and for fellowship in the greater human community (Genesis 2; Exodus 20:2-17; Isaiah 11:6; 54:1-3; Matthew 19:4-11; John 15:1-17; 17:6-26; Ephesians 1:9-10, 2:13-21). Marriage and human sexuality cannot be understood simply as the result of physical drives, rational formulations, social imposition, or religious moralism. While marital union is not in the realm of things commanded by God, as are fellowship with God and his people, it is a divine gift not to be profaned. The intimacy of marriage gives expression to the human desire for relatedness. The relationship of husband and wife is often compared to the reciprocal relationship of God and his people and is described in the language of the covenant. The covenant between God and his people is sacred and is not to be violated. It has great power and purpose in it. (Isaiah 61:10; Hosea; John 3:29; Ephesians 2:19-22). Marriage is a covenant bond designed by the Creator. It is redeemed in Jesus Christ, and is best realized amidst the Covenant people of God.

 

Marriage is for Human Fulfillment
 

Marriage is designed to bring persons into their God-intended human fullness. Humanity in its wholeness involves both male and female. The interdependence so essential to human completeness can be expressed in marital union and also in the larger community. In marital union, husband and wife become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).3
This unity involves far more than a sexual encounter. It is the joining of lives at many levels. With it come mutual love and knowledge. Marriage provides opportunity for mature love so vital to the wholeness of persons (Genesis 24:67; Proverbs 5:15-19; Song of Solomon 1; 2:16, 8:7; Ephesians 5:21-33). Marriage is a covenant commitment which protects the mutuality of sex and the meaning of personhood. It acknowledges responsibility for the continued well-being of another person. God is concerned about marriage because he is concerned for people. (Malachi 2:13-16).

Paul’s instructions regarding marriage and family as a picture of the church. Marriage partners should show mutual respect, for each other which effectively meets the needs of women for love and men for respect. These are essential elements of an effective and happy marriage.

This last part is summarized in Ephesians 5:33,
"Nevertheless, let each individual among you (men) also love (agape) his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband."   This theme, love and respect, is also seen in Paul’s other writings (Colossians 3; 1 Corinthians 7) or at least assumed. It is also the focus of a fairly recent book by Emerson Eggerichs titled "Love and Respect". In his work he cites a 20 year study of 2000 couples that gives evidence that love and respect are foundational ingredients to a happy and successful marriage.7

7 Study by John Gottman from "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail."

Wives need to know they are loved, really loved by their husbands. When they feel unloved, they internalize it as hurt, often reacting in criticism towards their husband. The average husband will most often respond to criticism with withdrawal, experiencing the criticism as a lack of respect. This cycle, often seen in dysfunctional and "normal" marriages, demonstrates the continual effect of the Fall and sin in the lives of even God’s people. When husbands learn to love, demonstrated in a way that is sensible and understood by the wife, and when the wives respect, not worship, but affirm and bless their husbands, it shows that God’s Kingdom rule has come to the marriage. Since the marriage is foundational to the family, the children of that union will have greater opportunity to grow as God intended, when love and respect in harmonious balance are seen in the marriage

Monday, July 8, 2013

yoga shoulder stretch...open the heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNXn_Hh2v2E

yoga is changing my life!!  I spent too much money at doctors, physical therapists and massage therapists...and didn't even get the correct diagnosis until I went to my chiropractor.  Then!  After only two yoga classes I am surfing again.  Today I found this shoulder stretch video...OUCH but I can do with a strap and the heart opening doesn't hurt either...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Starved for LOVE

http://www.intouch.org/search/?search=starved%20for%20love   


at intouch.org is good cd or dvd to order for Christians or those interested in Christian Love principles...it is called starved for love

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Responding or Reacting ?

reaction is unconscious behavior when we believe things are happening in the world to make us act this or that way. Our energy is directed outwards  in an attempt to defend ourselves or to attack another (also trying to defend ourselves).  A reaction is a drama that is played out in an effort to sedate or control  our experiences.  The theme of all reactive behavior is blame or revenge,

A response is a conscious choice to contain our energy with the intention of using it to integrate and liberate our unconscious projections.  The theme of all responsive behavior is responsibility (response-ability).

Sometimes it helps to sit back and see what upsets us (ie "sets us up" as a trigger) and pretend that we are watching players in a movie.  When we watch a movie, we don't get up and confront the actors because they are triggering something in us.  We really do not have to have such a knee jerk reaction!

Perhaps we should greet the triggering response and the person that triggers us as a messenger of what we have been trying to hide from ourselves--usually something from the past.  This way we gain more clarity and poise and can be thankful!!

We can often reduce the flight or fight behavior that occurs physiologically.


  • There is benefit in understanding and identifying both these types of behavior in ourselves for personal growth. This knowledge shows you that you have options and more control over circumstances than you realize. The effect of going through life in a reactive mode ultimately becomes draining, difficult and can even bring about isolation. Constant reacting to life puts you in the ‘victim’ role, a role that makes life a struggle. Making an effort to respond  helps you establish control. Responding takes a conscious effort and builds mind control. Responding looks at others actions and consequences and provides a more holistic approach to behavior. Responding, not reacting will get you closer to what you want.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

We look for answers that we can touch such as a message that will tell us how to change a person , usually a spouse!  
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  Ezekiel 36:26
Sometimes we pray for years for people with hearts on the hard side. My sister prayed for me for years and it payed off after many years when she was with me when I gave my life to Christ.  I wonder if she prayed for brokenness as I was suicidal after a car accident/head injury and a horrible relationship. We pray for people who still love their sin, for those who have turned from their faith in God and pray that God will give them a new heart and a new spirit and that their heart will be softened so as to let GOD mold it.
All is possible with GOD.  For marriages "Please, Dear Lord,let my relationship with you lead me to start a new relationship with my spouse.  Guide us in making our hearts pliable to your ways"

Psalm 139:23-24

New International Version (NIV)  Bible Gateway
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21


17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Friday, June 7, 2013

more pema

Waking Up to Your World

By

Throughout our day we can pause, take a break from our usual thoughts, and wake up to the magic and vastness of the world around us. Pema Chödrön says this easy and spacious type of mindfulness practice is the most important thing we can do with our lives.


One of my favorite subjects of contemplation is this question: “Since death is certain, but the time of death is uncertain, what is the most important thing?” You know you will die, but you really don’t know how long you have to wake up from the cocoon of your habitual patterns. You don’t know how much time you have left to fulfill the potential of your precious human birth. Given this, what is the most important thing?

Every day of your life, every morning of your life, you could ask yourself, “As I go into this day, what is the most important thing? What is the best use of this day?” At my age, it’s kind of scary when I go to bed at night and I look back at the day, and it seems like it passed in the snap of a finger. That was a whole day? What did I do with it? Did I move any closer to being more compassionate, loving, and caring—to being fully awake? Is my mind more open? What did I actually do? I feel how little time there is and how important it is how we spend our time.

What is the best use of each day of our lives? In one very short day, each of us could become more sane, more compassionate, more tender, more in touch with the dream-like quality of reality. Or we could bury all these qualities more deeply and get more in touch with solid mind, retreating more into our own cocoon.

Every time a habitual pattern gets strong, every time we feel caught up or on automatic pilot, we could see it as an opportunity to burn up negative karma. Rather than as a problem, we could see it as our karma ripening, which gives us an opportunity to burn up karma, or at least weaken our karmic propensities. But that’s hard to do. When we realize that we are hooked, that we’re on automatic pilot, what do we do next? That is a central question for the practitioner.

One of the most effective means for working with that moment when we see the gathering storm of our habitual tendencies is the practice of pausing, or creating a gap. We can stop and take three conscious breaths, and the world has a chance to open up to us in that gap. We can allow space into our state of mind.

Before I talk more about consciously pausing or creating a gap, it might be helpful to appreciate the gap that already exists in our environment. Awakened mind exists in our surroundings—in the air and the wind, in the sea, in the land, in the animals—but how often are we actually touching in with it? Are we poking our heads out of our cocoons long enough to actually taste it, experience it, let it shift something in us, let it penetrate our conventional way of looking at things?

If you take some time to formally practice meditation, perhaps in the early morning, there is a lot of silence and space. Meditation practice itself is a way to create gaps. Every time you realize you are thinking and you let your thoughts go, you are creating a gap. Every time the breath goes out, you are creating a gap. You may not always experience it that way, but the basic meditation instruction is designed to be full of gaps. If you don’t fill up your practice time with your discursive mind, with your worrying and obsessing and all that kind of thing, you have time to experience the blessing of your surroundings. You can just sit there quietly. Then maybe silence will dawn on you, and the sacredness of the space will penetrate.

Or maybe not. Maybe you are already caught up in the work you have to do that day, the projects you haven’t finished from the day before. Maybe you worry about something that has to be done, or hasn’t been done, or a letter that you just received. Maybe you are caught up in busy mind, caught up in hesitation or fear, depression or discouragement. In other words, you’ve gone into your cocoon.

For all of us, the experience of our entanglement differs from day to day. Nevertheless, if you connect with the blessings of your surroundings—the stillness, the magic, and the power—maybe that feeling can stay with you and you can go into your day with it. Whatever it is you are doing, the magic, the sacredness, the expansiveness, the stillness, stays with you. When you are in touch with that larger environment, it can cut through your cocoon mentality.

On the other hand, I know from personal experience how strong the habitual mind is. The discursive mind, the busy, worried, caught-up, spaced-out mind, is powerful. That’s all the more reason to do the most important thing—to realize what a strong opportunity every day is, and how easy it is to waste it. If you don’t allow your mind to open and to connect with where you are, with the immediacy of your experience, you could easily become completely submerged. You could be completely caught up and distracted by the details of your life, from the moment you get up in the morning until you fall asleep at night.

You get so caught up in the content of your life, the minutiae that make up a day, so self-absorbed in the big project you have to do, that the blessings, the magic, the stillness, and the vastness escape you. You never emerge from your cocoon, except for when there’s a noise that’s so loud you can’t help but notice it, or something shocks you, or captures your eye. Then for a moment you stick your head out and realize, Wow! Look at that sky! Look at that squirrel! Look at that person!


The great fourteenth-century Tibetan teacher Longchenpa talked about our useless and meaningless focus on the details, getting so caught up we don’t see what is in front of our nose. He said that this useless focus extends moment by moment into a continuum, and days, months, and even whole lives go by. Do you spend your whole time just thinking about things, distracting yourself with your own mind, completely lost in thought? I know this habit so well myself. It is the human predicament. It is what the Buddha recognized and what all the living teachers since then have recognized. This is what we are up against.

“Yes, but…,” we say. Yes, but I have a job to do, there is a deadline, there is an endless amount of e-mail I have to deal with, I have cooking and cleaning and errands. How are we supposed to juggle all that we have to do in a day, in a week, in a month, without missing our precious opportunity to experience who we really are? Not only do we have a precious human life, but that precious human life is made up of precious human days, and those precious human days are made up of precious human moments. How we spend them is really important. Yes, we do have jobs to do; we don’t just sit around meditating all day, even at a retreat center. We have the real nitty-gritty of relationships—how we live together, how we rub up against each other. Going off by ourselves, getting away from the people we think are distracting us, won’t solve everything. Part of our karma, part of our dilemma, is learning to work with the feelings that relationships bring up. They provide opportunities to do the most important thing  too.

If you have spent the morning lost in thought worrying about what you have to do in the afternoon, already working on it in every little gap you can find, you have wasted a lot of opportunities, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. But if the morning has been characterized by at least some spaciousness, some openness in your mind and heart, some gap in your usual way of getting caught up, sooner or later that is going to start to permeate the rest of your day.

If you haven’t become accustomed to the experience of openness, if you haven’t got any taste of it, then there is no way the afternoon is going to be influenced by it. On the other hand, if you’ve given openness a chance, it doesn’t matter whether you are meditating, working at the computer, or fixing a meal, the magic will be there for you, permeating your life.

As I said, our habits are strong, so a certain discipline is required to step outside our cocoon and receive the magic of our surroundings. The pause practice—the practice of taking three conscious breaths at any moment when we notice that we are stuck—is a simple but powerful practice that each of us can do at any given moment.

Pause practice can transform each day of your life. It creates an open doorway to the sacredness of the place in which you find yourself. The vastness, stillness, and magic of the place will dawn upon you, if you let your mind relax and drop for just a few breaths the storyline you are working so hard to maintain. If you pause just long enough, you can reconnect with exactly where you are, with the immediacy of your experience.

When you are waking up in the morning and you aren’t even out of bed yet, even if you are running late, you could just look out and drop the storyline and take three conscious breaths. Just be where you are! When you are washing up, or making your coffee or tea, or brushing your teeth, just create a gap in your discursive mind. Take three conscious breaths. Just pause. Let it be a contrast to being all caught up. Let it be like popping a bubble. Let it be just a moment in time, and then go on.

You are on your way to whatever you need to do for the day. Maybe you are in your car, or on the bus, or standing in line. But you can still create that gap by taking three conscious breaths and being right there with the immediacy of your experience, right there with whatever you are seeing, with whatever you are doing, with whatever you are feeling.


Another powerful way to do pause practice is simply to listen for a moment. Instead of sight being the predominant sense perception, let sound, hearing, be the predominant sense perception. It’s a very powerful way to cut through our conventional way of looking at the world. In any moment, you can just stop and listen intently. It doesn’t matter what particular sound you hear; you simply create a gap by listening intently.

In any moment you could just listen. In any moment, you could put your full attention on the immediacy of your experience. You could look at your hand resting on your leg, or feel your bottom sitting on the cushion or on the chair. You could just be here. Instead of being not here, instead of being absorbed in thinking, planning, and worrying, instead of being caught up in the cocoon, cut off from your sense perceptions, cut off from the power and magic of the moment, you could be here. When you go out for a walk, pause frequently—stop and listen. Stop and take three conscious breaths. How precisely you create the gap doesn’t really matter. Just find a way to punctuate your life with these thought-free moments. They don’t have to be thought-free minutes even, they can be no more than one breath, one second. Punctuate, create gaps. As soon as you do, you realize how big the sky is, how big your mind is.

When you are working, it’s so easy to become consumed, particularly by computers. They have a way of hypnotizing you, but you could have a timer on your computer that reminds you to create a gap. No matter how engrossing your work is, no matter how much it is sweeping you up, just keep pausing, keep allowing for a gap. When you get hooked by your habit patterns, don’t see it as a big problem; allow for a gap.

When you are completely wound up about something and you pause, your natural intelligence clicks in and you have a sense of the right thing to do. This is part of the magic: our own natural intelligence is always there to inform us, as long as we allow a gap. As long as we are on automatic pilot, dictated to by our minds and our emotions, there is no intelligence. It is a rat race. Whether we are at a retreat center or on Wall Street, it becomes the busiest, most entangled place in the world.

Pause, connect with the immediacy of your experience, connect with the blessings; liberate yourself from the cocoon of self-involvement, talking to yourself all of the time, completely obsessing. Allow a gap, gap, gap. Just do it over and over and over; allow yourself the space to realize where you are. Realize how big your mind is; realize how big the space is, that it has never gone away, but that you have been ignoring it.

Find a way to slow down. Find a way to relax. Find a way to relax your mind and do it often, very, very often, throughout the day continuously, not just when you are hooked but all the time. At its root, being caught up in discursive thought, continually self-involved with discursive plans, worries, and so forth, is attachment to ourselves. It is the surface manifestation of ego-clinging.

So, what is the most important thing to do with each day? With each morning, each afternoon, each evening? It is to leave a gap. It doesn’t matter whether you are practicing meditation or working, there is an underlying continuity. These gaps, these punctuations, are like poking holes in the clouds, poking holes in the cocoon. And these gaps can extend so that they can permeate your entire life, so that the continuity is no longer the continuity of discursive thought but rather one continual gap.

But before we get carried away by the idea of continual gap, let’s be realistic about where we actually are. We must first remind ourselves what the most important thing is. Then we have to learn how to balance that with the fact that we have jobs to do, which  can cause us to become submerged in the details of our lives and caught in the cocoon of our patterns all day long. So find ways to create the gap frequently, often, continuously. In that way, you allow yourself the space to connect with the sky and the ocean and the birds and the land and with the blessing of the sacred world. Give yourself the chance to come out of your cocoon.


This teaching is based on a talk given to the monks and nuns at Gampo Abbey in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, where Pema Chödrön is resident acharya (senior teacher). It has been adapted for a lay audience.

Waking Up to Your World, Pema Chödrön, Shambhala Sun, September 2008.

http://shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3415&Itemid=0

Pema Chödrön on four ways that meditation helps us deal with difficulty

Meditation takes us just as we are, with our confusion and our sanity. This complete acceptance of ourselves as we are is a simple, direct relationship with our being. We call this maitri, loving-kindness toward ourselves and others. There are four qualities of maitri that are cultivated when we meditate:
1. Steadfastness. When we practice meditation we are strengthening our ability to be steadfast with ourselves, in body as well as mind.
2. Clear seeing. This is another way of saying that we have less self-deception. Through the process of practicing the technique day in and day out, year after year, we begin to be very honest with ourselves.
3. Experiencing our emotional distress. We practice dropping whatever story we are telling ourselves and leaning into the emotions and the fear. We stay with the emotion, experience it, and leave it as it is, without proliferating. Thus we train in opening the fearful heart to the restlessness of our own energy. We learn to abide with the experience of our emotions.
4. Attention to the present moment. We make the choice, moment by moment, to be fully here. Attending to our present-moment mind and body is a way of being tender toward self, toward others, and toward the world. This quality of attention is inherent in our ability to love. These four factors not only apply to sitting meditation, but are essential to all the bodhichitta (awakened heart) practices and for relating with difficult situations in our daily lives. By cultivating them we discover for ourselves that it is bodhichitta, not confusion, that is basic.
From Comfortable With Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion, by Pema Chödrön.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

News flash: Being busy is not a virtue. Multi-tasking does not save you time. Filling time with a thousand actions does not mean you value it. Go slow and embrace the joy of the moment.   It's better in the Bahamas if slow is what you are looking for!!

Friday, May 17, 2013


1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.



1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Amplified Bible (AMP)
Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful orvainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful orresentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
"As they stared blankly in dumb misery deepening as they slowly realised all they had seen and all they had lost, a capricious little breeze, dancing up from the surface of the water, tossed the aspens, shook the dewy roses and blew lightly and caressingly in their faces; and with its soft touch came instant oblivion. For this is the last best gift that the kindly demi-god is careful to bestow on those to whom he has revealed himself in their helping: the gift of forgetfulness. Lest the awful remembrance should remain and grow, and overshadow mirth and pleasure, and the great haunting memory should spoil all the after-lives of little animals helped out of difficulties, in order that they should be happy and lighthearted as before."
- Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the WillowsCh. 7

Thursday, May 9, 2013

"Dear God

We surrender our relationship to You and ask that it be used for Your purposes.  May our resources and talents and energies be used for Your service.  May we become together more than we are apart.  May the light around us forever shine.  May the space of our love be a space of healing for ourselves and all the world.  AMEN"

we can turn our acceptance of each other into a disciplined compassion...until we do that we will be tempted to attack...low level, neurotic relationship dramas do not support our own or the planet's movement in the direction of GOD


Marianne Williamson

Thursday, May 2, 2013

meeting our needs

Empathy for self has us focusing on what we want and where we want to go instead of focusing on what is wrong with others or ourselves.  When we practice self empathy it helps us to be clearer about our goals and desires.  We are, then, more likely to behave in ways that get our needs met.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

God helps marriages


Matthew 7:24-27

New International Version (NIV)

The Wise and Foolish Builders

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash,

look at each other and say "you may not be perfect but you are a goodwilled Husband/Wife and I believe in you.  Lord help me to love, repsect and support my spouse with YOUR help and guidance and may I listen togod helps arriages you!" Amen

marriage helper

https://www.facebook.com/harvillehendrix?fref=pb&hc_location=profile_browser   

Let's talk

Lots and lots of times a couple will come in the office thinking that their partner has problems that need to be changed if the relationship is to improve.  Not infrequently the wife will say that she wishes her husband would talk with her more.  Emerson Eggerichs talks about this in his book  Love and Respect.  I like to laugh when I see patterns common to my marriage and to may others!  "Let's talk" have different meanings for men and women.  Often for women it means "let's get closer" while for men (my husband included) it means "uh oh here it comes".  When women try to get on the emotional track, men sometimes feel inept and, in response, defensive.  One of the most important things for a woman to understand is that his reluctance to talk doesn't mean that he doesn't care, is self-absorbed, etc.  Some have had success in scheduling short time limited talks.  I've had success in piling on the positive reinforcement when my husband stretches to try to talk!!!  I have noticed that backing off a bit and developing a different repertoire in my attempts at closeness has a big payoff.  I have learned lots of ways to soothe myself and let him be a man and figure things out on his own.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

men may think..

Today I had a male client ask me "How could she have been begging me for attention and talking for eighteen years and I didn't hear her until it was too late...the silence in our house was deafening...now she is talking to someone else..."

  it made me think of what I was reading the other day---

" 'Good grief!  I had no idea what I was getting into when I married this sensitive creature' ...  (the husband) can close himself off and refuse to be open, or he can move toward her and connect with her at new levels of openness. " p 145

good advice for men in Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Raising Children

From 3/21/13 Huffington Post

Clinical Associate Professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University

In Defense of Parents: A Child Therapist's Dissent


Perhaps it has always been this way, but recently, it seems that parents are under attack. The criticisms come from all sides. We are over-involved or overly permissive. We fail to teach traditions and values. We over-diagnose, over-medicate and over-accommodate our kids, often to excuse our own poor parenting.
Especially, the critics believe, our children are indulged. We are so concerned that they not feel any disappointment and with their self-esteem that we no longer insist that they learn to master challenges -- experiences of mastery that lead to the strengthening of character and real, earned, self-esteem. Like curling athletes, we try to smooth their path through life, eliminating any friction. We are afraid of their tantrums, afraid to let them fail (and then learn from their mistakes) and afraid to say, "No."

My clinical experience suggests a different diagnosis. Yes, we may be too indulgent. More fundamentally, we are too stressed -- more burdened and more alone. Both children and parents now have fewer places to turn when they are in need of practical and emotional support.
In three decades of working with children and families, I have, of course, met some indulgent parents. Far more often, I meet thoughtful parents, struggling to find the right balance, in their own lives and in the lives of their children. Most parents want more for their children than individual achievement. They also want them to be "good kids" -- children who act with kindness and generosity toward their families, their friends, and their communities.
Too often, however, families get stuck. Concerned and caring parents become, against their best intentions, angry and critical. And children, in turn, become argumentative and stubborn, or secretive and withdrawn. These vicious cycles of criticism and defiance then undermine children's initiative, confidence and sense of responsibility.
There are answers to these problems. The answer is not less parenting or Tiger parenting, but highly involved, positive, supportive parenting, informed by advances in clinical and developmental research.

In parenting debates, it is easy to lose sight of what is most important. We do not stop often enough, I believe, to consider how our children look up to us and how we remain for them, throughout their lives, sources of affirmation and emotional support. On this point, developmental research is clear: From kindergarten until they are young adults, children who are doing well in their lives have the benefit of emotional and practical support from their parents, mentors and friends.
Here are the essential elements of a balanced, supportive approach to raising successful and caring children. It is not either/or. We can encourage our children's self-expression and also teach them self-restraint.
  • We support our children with our warm and enthusiastic encouragement of their interests and talents. Great teachers intuitively understand this, and they should be our role models as parents.
  • We offer support to children when we listen patiently and sympathetically to their concerns and their grievances, and when we are willing to repair the conflicts that occur, inevitably, in our relationships. Children learn invaluable lessons from moments of repair. They learn that, although it is not always easy, moments of anger and misunderstanding are moments and can be repaired.

  • We provide emotional support for our children when we accept and value their feelings -- and then talk with them about the needs and feelings of others.

  • We support children when we play and work with them often. Essential social skills are learned in the course of playful interactions. They are not learned in front of a screen, or from lectures and admonishments. When parents play and work with their children, children come to understand and accept, deeply and for the right reasons, the limitations imposed by adult authority. Even five minutes a day of interactive play between parents and children is helpful in strengthening parent-child relationships and promoting cooperative behavior in young children.
    In many ways, interactive play is to children's social development what talking with children is to their vocabulary development and what exercise is to their physical development.

  • Then, we help them solve problems. When we engage children in the solution of a problem, they become less stuck in making demands or continuing the argument. They begin to think, if just for that minute, less about how to get their way and, instead, about how to solve a problem -- about how their needs and the needs of others can be reconciled, an important life lesson, for sure.

  • And we should let them know that we are proud of them, for their effort and for the good things they do for others. A child's confident expectation that her parents are proud of her is an essential good feeling, and an anchor that sustains her in moments of discouragement, temptation, and self-doubt.

In these ways, we strengthen our children's inner resources and we become an inner presence - a voice of encouragement and moral guidance. Our children will then be more successful in all aspects of their lives. They will have better peer relationships. At home, we will see less argument, less defiance, and less withdrawal. They will also work harder and achieve more in school. And we will have prepared them, as best we can, for coping with the challenges and responsibilities they will face as adults.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

times of trouble

“Disappointments in love, even betrayals and losses, serve the soul at the very moment they seem in life to be tragedies. The soul is partly in time and partly in eternity. We might remember the part that resides in eternity when we feel despair over the part that is in life.” 
“It may help us, in those times of trouble, to remember that love is not only about relationship, it is also an affair of the soul.”
Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul: Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life

goin through the hard times

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times



 'Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”
Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Thursday, February 21, 2013

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” –Joseph Campbell

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

re the D word...

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-to-save-a-marriage

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Gratitude functions like a psychological immune system that bulletproofs you in times of crisis...Robert Emmons PhD

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Manipulate Your Partner

When you communicate, try to manipulate your partner into a position that is constructive toward building the relationship and letting their anxiety lessen so they feel heard...  Before you put forth your position you may want to ensure that they feel that you understand their fears and resistances so that they are motivated toward good dialog and improving the relationship.  Perhaps you will even say something to the effect of "I am ready to make some positive changes even though we have both been very, very frustrated lately".  Maybe you will even venture out to say that you are working on some destructive things you have brought into the relationship.  Go slowly, appreciate that people have resistances and fear and focus on the SPIRIT of wanting to recapture the positive feelings that you once had.  That said, when each knows that each values the other and wants to reduce fears and increase safety...it sets the scene for more positive dialogue.  And remember, if the pulse rates rises...take a few...breathe...and return to the topic later!