Gratitude functions like a psychological immune system that bulletproofs you in times of crisis...Robert Emmons PhD

Manipulate Your Partner

When you communicate, try to manipulate your partner into a position that is constructive toward building the relationship and letting their anxiety lessen so they feel heard...  Before you put forth your position you may want to ensure that they feel that you understand their fears and resistances so that they are motivated toward good dialog and improving the relationship.  Perhaps you will even say something to the effect of "I am ready to make some positive changes even though we have both been very, very frustrated lately".  Maybe you will even venture out to say that you are working on some destructive things you have brought into the relationship.  Go slowly, appreciate that people have resistances and fear and focus on the SPIRIT of wanting to recapture the positive feelings that you once had.  That said, when each knows that each values the other and wants to reduce fears and increase safety...it sets the scene for more positive dialogue.  And remember, if the pulse rates rises...take a few...breathe...and return to the topic later!

"The habit of exiting, of escaping into thoughts and daydreams is a common occurrence. In fact, fantasy is where we spend most of our time. The Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck called these flights of fancy "the substitute life."
Of course, we don't have to be meditating for the mind to wander off to this substitute life. We can be listening to someone talking and mentally just depart. The person is right in front of us, but we're on the beach at Waikiki. The main way we depart is by keeping up a running internal commentary on what's going and what we're feeling 'like this, I don't like that, I"m hot, I'm cold', and so on. In fact, we can become so caught up in this internal dialogue that the people around us become invisible. An important part of meditation practice, therefore, is to non-aggressively drop that ongoing conversation in our head and joyfully come back to the present, being present in the body, being present in the mind, not envisioning the future or reliving the past, but, if only briefly, showing up for this very moment."
(From Pema Chodron's book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change

Where do i start?

Notes on relationships with some paraphrased and prudent, pithy advice from some helpful people....

Dr. Phil—aim to meet the needs of the two people involved/ you can help heal your partner's fear and anger by stating your needs firmly and hearing what their needs are. You must do it differently from how you have been doing it and realize that relationships can change even with only one partner having the motivations.

John 14:12--- “and whatsoever you ask in my name, that I will do...” (not self centered requests but asking in HIS name) reading on to 14:16-17

Martha Peace---God has planned a ministry for each spouse which is to make the other their ministry.

Tara Bennett-Goleman and Harville Hendricks----our left over baggage from early relationships can make relationships emotional battlegrounds but can also help us do the work that will free us.

We tend to draw people to us that repeat these early woundings or “schemas”.

Partners can work together to dismantle these triggers and use empathy to foster compassion for the other. MIRRORING is a term to look up and use.

 

Now get to work and look up the verse and the term...do it yourself whether your spouse does it or not!

Deep Beliefs

Sometimes we have beliefs that are so deep we are not really aware of them.  These patterns that may have been laid down over and over in early life can act like a rutted dirt road that takes the car off to the right even if you are consciously trying to turn left.  Beliefs may affect relationships, marriages, work life etc.  These "emotional habits" may even lead to compulsions and addictions.

One way out is to begin to practice mindfulness in daily life, applying such to our patterns of emotional reactivity.  For instance, maybe your husband says "I really want to work better at our parenting together" and you "hear" he "never gives me any credit" or "he's saying I'm doing it wrong" because of the lens through which you view comments from those close to you.

If we practice pulling back and watching our emotions without reactivity..we can sometimes avoid getting wrapped up in anxiety and anger...thereby responding much more creatively and helpfully in those situations that USED TO set us off.  I like breath focus...just noting in breath and then out breath...there's a thought now..gently back to in breath and out breath...another thought..just labeling it "thinking" and back to the breaths without judging the thought or yourself or the person in front of you....

prov 23:7

As Joyce Meyer says I am getting "more serious about thinking about what I am thinking about".

Thoughts bear fruit.  Your life will not get straightened out until your mind is!


...for as he thinks in his heart, so is he... prov 23:7

cruising

wow went on a great Carnival cruise!!!  A counselor needs to take care of herself i know but following the boat on the radar map(I could see Cuba!!) made me sad when we went past Haiti...all the pigouts on the boat and they are so hungry....  AND in Nassau they were throwing away perfectly good lounge chairs!!!  They were just piled up in the  dumpsters....  OK I am more motivated to give, give, give through Samaritan's Purse- Franklin Graham's ministry.  A few Christmases ago I quit the gift exchange and, instead, give in peoples' name to this charity.  I tend to focus on the healthcare, clean water and health gifts!